Gay Tidings

I am feeling a creeping sort of dread, and I think I must discuss it: Yesterday I told my mother I got married in May. I did this in an e-mail. I didn't really think much of it at the time, but later when I told T about it, his first reaction was not the glowing smile of pride I expected, but the unguarded exclamation, "In an e-mail?!" My hunch that I may have stepped false has steadily grown since then.

This is complicated territory, and I feel I should present background in my defense. My mother is not of the inclination to rejoice at her son getting hitched to another bloke. She may make a strong effort to impersonate prideful maternalism, and I appreciate it, but it is an unconvincing performance. I feel I know the true nature of her feelings. Also, I had my own misgivings about marriage, for entirely different reasons — antiquated, patriarchal institution co-opted by religion and all that — but with help from T, I overcame them. However, it was not a time in which I felt prepared to have to defend our decision. I wanted only joy in return for joyful news. This was all compounded by the fact that the wedding itself was somewhat precipitate, done when it was for practical reasons. T and I agreed then and continue to feel that, while it was our official wedding, the spiritual event had yet to take place within the circle of our family, chosen and biological. Many of you reading this right now were not told till after the fact, and perhaps felt a twinge of resentment for it at the time, but I hope I pleaded our case well and that you understand the distinction we make between official and spiritual nuptials. In many ways, we felt conflicted about expecting people to get all excited twice over the same event (sort of like those people who insist on having multiple birthday parties in the same period and expect the enthusiasm to remain undiminished at each one), and whether rightly or not, I included my mother in this. If I had allowed that her joy may have been genuine and absolute, I still felt like I would have wanted to preserve that first response for the spiritual event, which she might personally attend, rather than have experienced it vicariously through a telephone line. Clever followers of reason will observe that my actions yesterday in informing her by e-mail would give the lie to this foregoing argument. But I didn't say any of this was logical or right, just that it happened and why.

So, why did I tell her now. A few reasons: it's been on my mind a lot. I had a sense of doing more harm by not telling than by telling. A good friend also called me on the possible fear aspects at work in my behaviour, and certainly that would explain the knee-jerk impulsiveness of my actions. And also I wanted to share the news about our adoption hopes, and it felt like an unusual omission to not mention that we were married. Anyway, it's now been 24 hours since I wrote, not long it must be admitted especially where Third World e-mail reliability is involved. But I cannot shake the picture of my mother shuffling broken-hearted about the house in her slippers and not having the strength to write back. As I say, I have a creeping sense of dread that I have behaved with a monstrous lack of filial feeling, and I'm not sure now how to fix it.